Global Warming is Ruining Life!

A few weekends ago while I was enjoying a beautiful (and fairly mild) day over in Atlantic Beach, a young man was attacked by a shark about a mile away in Neptune Beach. I felt awful for the kid, as he was doing the same thing I was doing at that time, which was surfing. However, when I heard about this event, my first thought wasn’t why it happened, I knew exactly why it happened. As an avid surfer, you know that every time you set foot in the ocean, a shark encounter is a possibility. It is scary, but the fact is you have a much higher chance of dying or getting injured in the car on the way to the beach than you do from a shark. That being said, imagine my surprise when I read that this attack was due to global warming. Not only that, but global warming could lead to as many as 100 shark attacks this year! And what is the logic behind this bold claim? They don’t really explain it, but I’m sure it is pretty sound.

This amazing piece of information got me thinking about what else is caused by global warming, and if any of it is beneficial. So I did some research, and I made a list of the most ridiculous events that are being attributed to global warming. And remember at this point, the temperature of the earth has risen 0.87 degrees Celcius in the last 100 years.

In 2015, a California Democrat predicted that global warming will create a surge of hookers
In 2014, The Huffington Post claimed that Climate Change helped the rise of ISIS
In 2006, NBC claimed that global warming was creating more and itchier poison ivy
In 2015, global warming was found responsible for the gender changing of lizards
In 2015, the UK Dailymail claimed that global warming was causing planes to spend up to 11 minutes more in the air
In 2007, global warming was blamed for more early marriages in Uganda
Also in 2007, a mass of poisonous jellyfish attacked a fish farm in Northern Ireland. Can you guess the culprit?
Apparently fish are divided on the issue, as in 2008 global warming was blamed for fish decreasing in size in January, but apparently it had worked itself out by July when it was reported that global warming was now causing tuna to increase in size
In just 2 years (2018), as this article was written in 2008, Europe needs to prepare for a flood of climate migrants to number in the millions due to global warming
In 2007, National Geographic warned that hurricanes had doubled due to global warming. Apparently, they had not seen this report from earlier in 2007 that the wind shear created by global warming was going to sap hurricanes

My point, while tongue in cheek, is that how can people be expected to believe this theory when it is being used as a universal catch-all for the liberal agenda? Not to mention that there certainly cannot be a global phenomenon of this magnitude that is only responsible for negative outcomes. It is statistically impossible. Well, I guess we will at least have bigger tuna and more beach days in North Florida, so that is nice. Not to mention someday my house might be oceanfront, at least until it gets destroyed by the rising seawater.